So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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