I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
