lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
