I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
