my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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