He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
