gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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