In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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