If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
