There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
