I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
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It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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