There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
