saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
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I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
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i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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