My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
