if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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