Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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