I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
