Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
