try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
