I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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