I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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