someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
