People with herpes should wear stickers.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I believe in your delicious
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
