It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
