i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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