Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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