You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
