i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This baby is an asshole
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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