I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
