haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
