I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
