i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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