I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.