I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
