i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
