guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
