Got a toothbrush?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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