i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
