I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
