I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
