I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
