she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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