it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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