Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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