my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
