best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
