I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize