I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
