But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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