when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
