maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
