I will die if light touches me.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
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her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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