I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
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I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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