I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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