Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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