and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
