i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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